Dylan Chaundy
10. Wooden Shield – Bloodborne
Sidestepping all prevailing wisdom when it comes to going toe-to-toe with FromSoftware’s myriad monstrosities, you’d be forgiven for thinking that the shield in Bloodborne is a handy item to ward off those sweeping, devastating attacks that always send you six feet under. However, you’d be wrong. In a Souls-like that emphasizes aggression over defense, the Wooden Shield – which is literally the only shield in the entirety of the base game – is a total washout. Not only can you not upgrade it, but you also can’t parry with it, either. Adding insult to injury is the fact that your natural stamina regeneration takes a hit when wielding a shield, and it doesn’t actually protect you all that much from damage when you do end up using it. In fact, it’s way more effective to simply dodge out of the way of an oncoming attack and strike your opponent to replenish some health, which is fundamentally the very essence of the game’s ebb and flow of combat.
9. Porn Mags – Metal Gear Solid Series
While the porn mags in the Metal Gear Solid series admittedly do have a use, albeit a very limited one, they’re largely a pointless item that’ll likely make you utter the words: “Woah, there are actually porn mags in Metal Gear Solid?” Yes, the magazines in question actually do have an in-game purpose: you can use them to distract guards. That said, there are plenty of other options at your disposal that’ll yield similar results. In fact, using porn mags as a distraction can be way trickier than simply knocking out a snoopy guard. Still, they’re a pretty cool addition… especially when you notice the fact that there’s a Hideo Kojima interview hidden inside. I mean, that’s why you’re looking so closely at the pages, right? RIGHT?
8. Perfume – Silent Hill 3
The majority of items in Konami’s iconic foggy lakeside town are incredibly useful and either help you to progress past tricky puzzles, heal up your injuries, or lay waste to twisted manifestations of your inner guilt, fear, and desires. Then there’s the perfume, which does, umm…. what the heck does this thing even do? Oh, yeah, it attracts monsters to rise from the shadows and butcher you. Handy! Okay, so if you want to get super technical, it does have some kind of utility, though it’s incredibly niche. To unlock some of the more powerful weapons in Silent Hill 3, you’ll need to defeat 100 monsters in a playthrough. As a result, if you’re looking to grind for the Heather Beam – one of the coolest guns in the game – you may want to use this item to get there. Outside of this, though, it’s a total waste of time. You’ve been warned!
7. Glass Shard – Elden Ring
In true Souls-like fashion, there’s usually an item in each title that is intentionally completely useless with the sole purpose of bamboozling unsuspecting players. In Dark Souls we had the Pendant (more on that later), and in Bloodborne we had the aforementioned Wooden Shield. But what about Elden Ring? Enter the Glass Shard. At first blush, it sounds like it could offer a reprieve of some sort as it’s classified as a consumable item. But in practice the Glass Shard does absolutely zip. You can’t use it as a crafting ingredient, and you can’t even sell the damn things. Even its item description calls it out for being “worthless rubbish”. Thanks, Hidetaka Miyazaki. (That’s one individual I’m nixing from my Holiday shopping list!)
6. Burnt Books – Fallout and Elder Scrolls Series
They say books are fountains of knowledge, but what if the books in question are more burnt than my gammon Sunday roast? Well, they become less fountains of knowledge and more puddles of brainless nonsense. And who the heck wants that? Yes, I wish I could say there was some deep and meaningful hidden purpose to these charred pages, but unfortunately, the plethora of burnt books you find scattered across the Wasteland, Mojave desert, and Tamriel are just utterly useless. Next!
5. Dead Bushes – Minecraft
In Minecraft, the world is your blocky oyster. You can create majestic creations like cozy cottages, underground bases, and cute bedrooms, or you can simply mod the game to kingdom come. Every block seems useful, and purposeful. From shiny diamonds that can be used to craft better gear to Obsidian blocks that can be used to construct Nether portals, everything seemingly interconnects and is meaningful. And then there are the Dead Bushes that are just a void of empty nothingness. I mean, they can drop a stick if you’re in need of a stick, but apart from that they just sit there looking sad and lonely. And who wants that? Nobody, that’s who.
4. The Pendant – Dark Souls
Possibly the most famous video game item in the world that’s as useful as an underwater shower is the Pendant. Not only does it do nothing practical, but even the game’s director went on record declaring it as a “prank”. Indeed, this starting gift is just a troll item, so if you’re on the lookout for something handy that’ll help you survive the kingdom of Drangleic, then we’d suggest steering clear of the ol’ Pendant. On the other hand, if you want to make a super challenging game even harder, then go for it, you masochist, you.
3. The Red Hook – Darkest Dungeon
Okay, so this is less of an item, and more of a buildable monument in Red Hook Studios’ grueling rogue-lite, but still! Yes, The Red Hook is one of the most expensive buildings you can build in your Hamlet, and while all of the other buildings have some utility and usefulness, this one does absolutely bupkis. Instead, it just sits there looking pretty and is more a symbol of your needless avarice than anything else. Some fans thought that it may have some hidden meaning or some secret purpose to it but, no. It just stares back at you blankly like a toddler who’s just left a pressie in its diaper. Speaking of which…
2. Slay the Spire – Spirit Poop
Funnily enough, the final two items on this list look pretty similar to each other. Up first, we have Slay The Spire‘s Spirit Poop, which is equally yucky as it is pointless. In this rogue-lite deck-builder, plenty of the game’s relics are absolute game-changers that can help you wrestle a victory from the jaws of defeat. And then there’s the Spirit Poop, which is an event relic that you get from the Bonfire Spirits event. Its purpose? It’s utterly worthless and simply subtracts a point from your overall score once you’ve wrapped up a run or once you’ve been slain.
1. Hestu’s Gift – The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
One of the coolest things about The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild is tracking down the Korok seeds which can then be used to unlock weapon slots and other meaningful upgrades. Thing is, you actually only need – checks notes – 441 Korok seeds to unlock everything. Unfortunately, there are actually 900 of the elusive golden kernels in the entire game. But what if you painstakingly collect ’em all? Won’t you get something super-duper cool? Well, not really. Instead, you get the wonderful Hestu’s Gift, which is a big golden poop that is… completely pointless. Not only does it serve no material purpose, but it makes Hestu do a dance, which, if we’re being totally honest, only rubs salt in the wound. Sorry, Hestu!
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